I'm Worse Than That

Some people are thieves, stealing others' money and possessions. Some people are adulterers, breaking the sacred trust of their spouse and giving away something that is not theirs to give. Some people are murderers, spilling blood and taking lives.

I'm worse than that. I judge. I look down my nose on people that don't measure up to my standards.

I do this to make myself feel better. If I place my focus on the wrong things people around me are doing, I forget about my own sin. If I point out the physical appearance flaws and the lacking skills of other people, I feel pretty, smart, and talented.

But underneath all my vanity, there's an ever so quiet and nagging voice, reminding me that I am an arrogant snob. It reminds me that "as I think in my heart, so am I". I would never tell that lady in the McDonald's booth that she was fat and ugly, so why do I think it? I would never tell that mother that she was a bad mom and has no business keeping her child, so why do I think it?

The first chapter of Romans speaks of God's judgement on sinners. I'm not one of those. Nope. I'm worse. I'm what he talks about in Romans 2... the judger. I am without excuse, for I sin just the same. The thief steals out of greed. I am greedy. The adulterer cheats out of selfishness. I am selfish. The murderer kills out of anger and spite. My heart thinks angry and spiteful thoughts.

Who am I to judge? God judges because He has the capability to show grace and to pardon the sins of others. Do I have that capability? Can I show unlimited grace? No. Can I pardon the sins of others? No. I cannot snatch them from the consequences of their sins.

I am no better than them, and yet when I judge, I place myself way above them. I play the role of God. What blasphemy! What disgrace!

Does God want "relationship" or glorification?

Throughout my life, various people, ministries, and books have thrown ingredients into my spiritual soup pot. And there it sat on the cold stove… a pot of soup ingredients. Occasionally, a bit of flame would ignite underneath and warm the soup, causing the flavors to blend together, but it would soon go out with the rushing breezes of life. A couple years ago, God took my pot right off the stove and thrust it straight into the fire. The soup began to bubble, and steam began to rise, infusing the soup with the flavors of God and His Word and removing a lot of the extra water of warm and fuzzy feelings.

I’m beginning to realize that my life is not about me. That there is nothing in this world that is for me. Everything good in my life is not for my pleasure, but for God’s. Everything bad in my life is not simply punishment or senseless happenstance that God might use. It is in my life because it brings Him glory. In every minute detail of my life, He is not about blessing me. He is about blessing Himself.

I think it’s easy to think perhaps we are the sun in God’s solar system. That somehow we are the sole reason for His existence. That He and His great plan revolve around us, His human creation. In reality, He is the center of the system, and we revolve around Him, along with all other creation.

“For by him were all things created, that are in heaven, and that are in earth, visible and invisible, whether they be thrones, or dominions, or principalities, or powers: all things were created by him, and for him” (Col. 1:16)

We exist for His glory, not He for ours. Our job is to make Him look good. To give Him praise and adoration. To direct the attention of ALL creation to His grand gloriness.

This means then that we were not created to “have a relationship” with God. It was not that God existed in a huge vastness and, in His loneliness, decided to create little human friends. It’s not that those little human friends went and messed it all up by eating the fruit and condemning themselves and every future generation to a sin nature and the inablity to be friends with God. No, it’s not like that at all.

First of all, because God is not human, He does not need us in an emotional way like we need Him and need each other.

Secondly, because if it were possible for His little friends to mess up His plan for friendship, then that would put His creation at a higher power than God Himself.

"And all the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing, but he does according to his will in the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of earth; and no one can ward off his hand or say to him, 'What hast Thou done?'" (Dan. 4:35).

So how does salvation fit into all this? If it’s not a story of a broken friendship needing our decision to mend it, then what is it?

It is a story of an all powerful, holy God displaying His glory.

“For my own sake, for my own sake I do it, for how should my name be profaned? My glory I will not give to another” (Is. 48:11).

In Ephesians chapter one, Paul tells us God’s goal in saving us from sin and for Himself.

Verse 5&6:
“He predestined us in love to be his sons through Jesus Christ according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of the glory of his grace.”

Verse 12:
“We who first hoped in Christ have been predestined and appointed to live for the praise of his glory.”

Verse 14:
“The Holy Spirit is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it to the praise of his glory.”

Then how does John 3:16 fit in? It says He loved the world so much, He saved us. The fact that salvation is part of His plan for His own glory does not eliminate the fact that He loves us. He created us to find and experience the most satisfaction and joy when we glorify Him.

Therefore, in providing us with a way to glorify Him through salvation, He is providing us with the greatest satisfaction and joy humanly possible to experience. And THAT is love!

Salvation is not about God’s creating a method for a relationship with God. It is about God providing a way for us to bring glory to Him. And in our glorifying, we find joy and fulfillment.

Christmas... A Time of Pain?

While listening to Christmas songs on the radio, a phrase from Mercy Me's Gloria caught my attention. "How could Heaven's heart not break on the day that You came?" At first, it didn't sound right. I thought surely heaven would have been ringing with joy. After all, the Messiah, the Savior of the world, had been born to man. The mission had begun.

And yet, the mission was not a fun one. The Son of God, God Himself, who is holy and pure above all that we can imagine, came down to an earth shrouded in sin and darkness. He took on the physical, emotional, and psychological aspect of man. If that wasn't enough, He would have to face the challenges of infancy, childhood and adulthood, encountering temptations on a human level, yet without sinning. His holy perfection would be doubted, and His name smeared.

The very idea of His being the King would take Him straight to death by torture. The same men He came to save would spit on Him, slap Him, crown Him with thorns, pierce Him, and commit the sin of murder as they crucified Him. He would descend into hell, the place of eternal separation from God. His birth marked the beginning of the greatest pain ever experienced.

Did heaven cry over the pain of Christ? Or did they rejoice, knowing the victorious end to Christ's time on earth? Perhaps both.

God's sovereignty orchestrated such awfulness... such sin... such pain. Yet, God's sovereignty does not override His inseparable love. I think we can safely say His heart ached... perhaps He cried... as Christ knelt in the garden and bled through the immense struggle of knowing what was coming and not wanting to experience it.

Often times in our walk on earth, we meet with life draining, heart piercing pain. We may find ourselves, as Christ did, on our face before God, begging to have the cup removed from us. When we find God's sovereignty has given us more than we can bear, we must remember God cries with us. He has not turned His face away from us. He has not left us hopeless.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that can separate us from His love. And He has promised, "All things work together for good, to those who love God". He can see past the pain and into the goodness to come. The same sovereignty that orchastrated Christ's pain and death also orchastrated His victorious ressurection. And He will do the same for us.

May you find yourself snuggled up in the comfort of His sovereignty this coming year.

There's Been a Metamorphosis

I recently revisited one of my old online treading grounds. I found that it has not changed a single iota. Which is fine, really. It doesn't bother me at all. The problem is, I have.

I first joined this lovely forum group when I was a tall, light summer tea, with the rays of the sun dancing on the surface and gleaming off the glass. I was carefree, bubbly, and spilling with an immature giddiness. Time passed and brought with it a measure of maturity. While I was still a happy summer tea, I took on a slightly darker tone.


The month I resignedly turned my back and walked away, the glass was knocked over and shattered. The all too thirsty earth swallowed the tea before I even realized what had happened. In its place, a large, heavy mug of thick, black coffee was thunked onto the table. Anyone tasting it would have vehemently spat it out. But there I sat in all my black drudge, too thick to see beyond my large, heavy mug.

That's when God began His culinary miracle. A good amount of the cream of comfort and healing... A heaping spoonful of sweet friendships found in unexpected places and people... The dash of spice of a new home church... All stirred together by the sovereign hand of God Himself.

I will never again be a light summer tea. I will never again be carefree and giddy. I am a coffee, deep and perhaps a bit more melancholy, but deliciously flavored by the sovereignty of God. And inside reigns a peaceful, unexplainable joy, which in my opinion is far better than carefree happiness.

Here and Now

It seems every year in my life has its own theme. Last year's theme was "It Is Well With My Soul", a calm assurance that even as I faced some things I never thought I'd have to deal with, it truly is well with my soul. Even in the midst of storm, my soul remained anchored in the sovereignty of God.

This year's theme seems to be "Here and Now". There are some changes I have needed to make on just about all fronts of my life, but I have always said to myself, "It's a stage. I'll change when it's over."

I have been in dire need of a mom attitude makeover. I get so easily stressed and frustrated with the kids and the hundred and one other things life seems to think I need to attend to, and when that happens, my tone takes on a complete absence of love. My mom attitude is the farthest thing from what I want it to be and definitely far from pleasing to God. But I kept saying, "It's a stage. When the youngest is past the toddler stage, things will be much easier." But really who's to say it will? Who's to say the stress will lower? And while I'm waiting for the youngest to get past the whiny age, my oldest is half grown. She will have lived half her childhood with a mom sportin' a bad attitude. I DON'T WANT THAT!

I've also been needing to render proper respect and love to my husband (whom I love with all my being; don't get me wrong), but once again I would rationalize. "It's a tough stage right now. He's gone a lot with work and school. I'm working through some things that make it hard for me. Once these struggles becomes easier, then I can get better at this whole respect thing." But you know, who's to say the struggles will ever go away? And who's to say that, if it does, it will be any easier? While I'm waiting for the stage to pass, I'm being the drippy faucet, and my poor husband is wounded over and over. I DON'T WANT THAT!

There's also a relationship in my life that I sometimes would really rather pretend wasn't even there. It's a difficult one to maintain. I have let myself put this relationship to the very back burner and only face it when I absolutely had to. I kept saying, "They're not ready to change, and you can't help someone who doesn't want help. When they come to their senses, I'll pick it back up and I'll be right there for them." But who's to say they will ever "come to their senses"? Who's to say they will ever get to the point of seeing the kind of person they are letting themselves be? While I wait, this person could very well pass away. I could lose any opportunity of showing them genuine love and honor in the blink of an eye. I would live with the knowledge that I just didn't care enough to sacrifice my convenience and comfort. I DON'T WANT THAT!

It's been a tough several months as I've worked at these fronts. I am glad to say that I do see progress, but I am also aware that I have a long way to go. I'm just reminded everyday that this is the last time I will be able to live this day. I can never go back, but I can love in the present and sow seeds for the future.


Blink

by Revive

Teach me to number my days
And count every moment before it slips away
Taking all the colors before they fade to gray
I don't want to miss even just a second more of this

It happens in a blink
It happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life
It happens in a blink

When it's all said and done
No one remembers how far we have run
The only thing that matters is how we have loved
I don't want to miss even just a second more of this

It happens in a blink
it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life
It happens in a blink

Slow down, slow down
Before today becomes our yesterday
Slow down, slow down
Before you turn around and it's too late

It happens in a blink
it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life
It happens in a blink

Through the Valley to the Mountain

We have a large cottonwood tree in our backyard. It's one of my very favorite things about our yard. Yeah, it's annoying when the early spring breezes blow the fluffy cotton everywhere. Our yard takes on the look of snow all over again. But I love it, because the shape of the tree is ruggedly beautiful and unique. Even in the dead of winter, when the tree is completely bare, it makes me smile. Over the past week, my dear cottonwood has started hanging out its autumn fare. I'm not sure what I think about that. Its beautiful. I'm thinking I'm about ready for some autumn weather and snuggly kids. (My sweet baby girl has not worn an outfit with her legs coverd since the day she was born other than a few days ago when it was cool.)

But, autumn also brings with it some memories that I would much rather block out. I've gone through two majorly deep valleys in my life, both occuring in the fall months. I was just beginning to put the first so far behind that I was really starting to love fall. That's when God dragged me through the second valley.

It's a hard time of year. On the surface, I'm prefectly fine and happy, but somewhere deep inside there's an underlying sadness. On especially gray days, the darkness within threatens to swallow me up. That's when I thrust myself at God, begging for His light to take over. He reaches down and pulles me up to His mountain top where the sun pours its light and warmth over my soul.

And so every autumn, the darkness comes, but every autumn, the Light wins out. Every autumn, the sweetness of God's closeness is thrown upon the saddness of the memories. One day, the sweetness will be equal to the sadness. Soon after, the sweetness will be greater than the sadness, until finally the sweetness entirely engulfs the sadness, leaving only an intense joy. "I do not consider myself to have embraced it yet: but this one thing I do, forgetting what lies behind, and straining forward to what lies ahead" (Phil. 3:13)

So for now, I'm working on climbing God's mountain, my hand in His as He pulls me up to the sunshine.

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on.
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God.

(Third Day - Mountain of God)