Here and Now

It seems every year in my life has its own theme. Last year's theme was "It Is Well With My Soul", a calm assurance that even as I faced some things I never thought I'd have to deal with, it truly is well with my soul. Even in the midst of storm, my soul remained anchored in the sovereignty of God.

This year's theme seems to be "Here and Now". There are some changes I have needed to make on just about all fronts of my life, but I have always said to myself, "It's a stage. I'll change when it's over."

I have been in dire need of a mom attitude makeover. I get so easily stressed and frustrated with the kids and the hundred and one other things life seems to think I need to attend to, and when that happens, my tone takes on a complete absence of love. My mom attitude is the farthest thing from what I want it to be and definitely far from pleasing to God. But I kept saying, "It's a stage. When the youngest is past the toddler stage, things will be much easier." But really who's to say it will? Who's to say the stress will lower? And while I'm waiting for the youngest to get past the whiny age, my oldest is half grown. She will have lived half her childhood with a mom sportin' a bad attitude. I DON'T WANT THAT!

I've also been needing to render proper respect and love to my husband (whom I love with all my being; don't get me wrong), but once again I would rationalize. "It's a tough stage right now. He's gone a lot with work and school. I'm working through some things that make it hard for me. Once these struggles becomes easier, then I can get better at this whole respect thing." But you know, who's to say the struggles will ever go away? And who's to say that, if it does, it will be any easier? While I'm waiting for the stage to pass, I'm being the drippy faucet, and my poor husband is wounded over and over. I DON'T WANT THAT!

There's also a relationship in my life that I sometimes would really rather pretend wasn't even there. It's a difficult one to maintain. I have let myself put this relationship to the very back burner and only face it when I absolutely had to. I kept saying, "They're not ready to change, and you can't help someone who doesn't want help. When they come to their senses, I'll pick it back up and I'll be right there for them." But who's to say they will ever "come to their senses"? Who's to say they will ever get to the point of seeing the kind of person they are letting themselves be? While I wait, this person could very well pass away. I could lose any opportunity of showing them genuine love and honor in the blink of an eye. I would live with the knowledge that I just didn't care enough to sacrifice my convenience and comfort. I DON'T WANT THAT!

It's been a tough several months as I've worked at these fronts. I am glad to say that I do see progress, but I am also aware that I have a long way to go. I'm just reminded everyday that this is the last time I will be able to live this day. I can never go back, but I can love in the present and sow seeds for the future.


Blink

by Revive

Teach me to number my days
And count every moment before it slips away
Taking all the colors before they fade to gray
I don't want to miss even just a second more of this

It happens in a blink
It happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life
It happens in a blink

When it's all said and done
No one remembers how far we have run
The only thing that matters is how we have loved
I don't want to miss even just a second more of this

It happens in a blink
it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life
It happens in a blink

Slow down, slow down
Before today becomes our yesterday
Slow down, slow down
Before you turn around and it's too late

It happens in a blink
it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life
It happens in a blink

Syndromes of Motherhood

Have you ever noticed that all mothers seem to share the same strange ailments? You know those characteristics that everyone else seems to shake their head at? I've been thinking about them recently. What are they? And just because they're normal, should they be part of my life? If not, how do I conquer them? Perhaps each syndrome has its own answer. Perhaps it's not right to generalize them.



Squirrel Syndrome

Please tell me I'm not the only one. I get up in the morning with the intention to start the laundry. I grab the hamper from my closet. I figure I can drag it to the laundry room and get a load going real quick. On the way down the hall, I realize I should probably get the crying baby out of bed before she wakes up the other kids. When I go to get her out of bed, I notice her crib sheet needs changed. I strip her bed while balancing her on my hip. Of course, that's when she relieves herself and since her diaper is swollen from the long night, it all leaks out on me. I stop changing the sheet to clean her and I up. By this time, everyone else is awake, and thus starts all the dressing and breakfast routines... then the rest of the morning... then the afternoon... then the evening... then finally bedtime has arrived. I sleepily trudge down the hall to bed and trip over the hamper I drug out to the hall that morning.

If you've ever seen Disney Pixar's new movie Up, you'll know what I'm referring to by "squirrel". The dogs are distracted in mid sentence or mid action anytime they think they see a squirrel. The dogs randomly shout out "squirrel" and they completely get side tracked.

Pretty sure this syndrome is very normal for mothers, since there are many little "bosses" constantly putting in their orders on top of all the other responsibilities we have on our to-do lists. I don't think it is wrong, but it could possibly become more controlled with some organization, delegation, and prioritization.


Rewind While You Unwind Syndrome

When I slide in under my covers at night, my first thought is, "AH!!! Finally! I'm so tired. Glad this day is over." But as soon as I let myself relax, the rewinder kicks in, replaying the day. I review every action, every word, every tone of voice, every decision, everything I got done, everything I didn't get done... and the guilt builds and builds and builds. I second guess every decision, kick myself for every impatient word, and scowl with frustration at every unfinished job. I spill tears onto my pillow all too frequently. Why can't I be like my husband and just shut it all off and fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow?

I'm guessing it's the woman part of us that makes us reprocess everything. But maybe it could be used for good instead of frustration. I think I'm going to start keeping a rule. I'm allowed to think of all the good things of the day. I will relive the moments I don't want to forget, like the sun shining on my girlie's head and the beaming smile across my son's face. But I'm only allowed one negative, and it must be something I can positively improve on. If I were overly impatient with my children that day, I can admit that, but only if I purpose to turn it over to God and ask for His help to do better the next day.


I'm Only One Person Syndrome

When I think of all my responsibilities in categories and subcategories, I sink deep into the mire of despair. The very idea of accomplishing even 50% of them is daunting, and even more so to accomplish them well. How in the world can I be wife, mother, housekeeper, laundry woman, cook, school teacher, gardener, designer, daughter, sister, friend, and whatever other title I'm probably not thinking of at the moment? And how in the world can I carry out all the responsibilities that go along with those in such a way that every person I touch feels loved and cherished?

I'm pretty sure that there is not a woman in the world that can accomplish everything on their plate in equal skill and dedication. I think it's probably a good thing to remind myself that I am only one, but rather than acknowledging it in a negative, pouting way, I should use it to set myself free from my own unreasonable expectations. I need to learn to daily ask God what my priorities are for the day, and be happy to have accomplished ONLY that, if that's all I get done. I need to make sure I make His priorities my priorities, rather than trying to accomplish my own plan.

I think too, that while the statement that I am only one is true humanly, it is not true spiritually. I am the temple of the Holy Spirit. He dwells inside me. He will lead and guide. I have only to put the reins in His hands, and He will ensure that I accomplish the most important things each day.


Air Head Syndrome

I cannot tell you how many times my brain literally feels empty. I cannot think at all. I try to figure out what bills need to be paid. I try to compose a grocery list. But nothing works up there. There are even times when I cannot talk. The thoughts are there, but when I open my mouth, the words are all jumbled and make no sense at all. I sometimes trip over my own feet or get turned around in should be familiar places. I forget things that most people should be able to remember.

I'M NOT STUPID!!! I'm just tired.... more tired than a non-mother can probably understand. They may think that since I'm not falling asleep, I must not be that tired. I am after all, still able to dress kids, change diapers, do dishes, etc. But the fact is, those are all done on autopilot and can easily be done in my sleep, with my eyes closed. How much easier than to do them in a zombie state with my eyes open.

Yup. Normal. Very normal for a mom of babies/toddlers/preschoolers. But seriously, can I improve? Yeah, I could go to bed instead of typing long blog posts at insane hours of the night. I can nap instead of reorganizing that hall closet. Am I really getting all the sleep that I could? Or am I only adding to my misery?


Cinderella Syndrome

When I was single, I was sure that the wife and mommy life would be pretty much all a bed of roses... happy moments mixed with romance, hugs, kisses, and little posies. Ha Ha Ha!!! Oh there's plenty of happy and romance, but truthfully there's more of the Cinderella dressed in rags scrubbing the floor than there is Cinderella dressed in a ball gown dancing with the prince. Sometimes I can get caught up in the disappointment of the shattered fairy tale. Or I dream of the "Cinderella fairytale" that will come when the kids are grown and gone and I have "my life back".

There is no Cinderella fairytale. Life is not a bed of roses. It is a long list of jobs to be lived out for the King. Joy comes not in wearing the tiara of selfishness, but in donning my servants' gown for the King.


So many syndromes... yet there's hope for improvement if I just give myself the kick to get me there.

Through the Valley to the Mountain

We have a large cottonwood tree in our backyard. It's one of my very favorite things about our yard. Yeah, it's annoying when the early spring breezes blow the fluffy cotton everywhere. Our yard takes on the look of snow all over again. But I love it, because the shape of the tree is ruggedly beautiful and unique. Even in the dead of winter, when the tree is completely bare, it makes me smile. Over the past week, my dear cottonwood has started hanging out its autumn fare. I'm not sure what I think about that. Its beautiful. I'm thinking I'm about ready for some autumn weather and snuggly kids. (My sweet baby girl has not worn an outfit with her legs coverd since the day she was born other than a few days ago when it was cool.)

But, autumn also brings with it some memories that I would much rather block out. I've gone through two majorly deep valleys in my life, both occuring in the fall months. I was just beginning to put the first so far behind that I was really starting to love fall. That's when God dragged me through the second valley.

It's a hard time of year. On the surface, I'm prefectly fine and happy, but somewhere deep inside there's an underlying sadness. On especially gray days, the darkness within threatens to swallow me up. That's when I thrust myself at God, begging for His light to take over. He reaches down and pulles me up to His mountain top where the sun pours its light and warmth over my soul.

And so every autumn, the darkness comes, but every autumn, the Light wins out. Every autumn, the sweetness of God's closeness is thrown upon the saddness of the memories. One day, the sweetness will be equal to the sadness. Soon after, the sweetness will be greater than the sadness, until finally the sweetness entirely engulfs the sadness, leaving only an intense joy. "I do not consider myself to have embraced it yet: but this one thing I do, forgetting what lies behind, and straining forward to what lies ahead" (Phil. 3:13)

So for now, I'm working on climbing God's mountain, my hand in His as He pulls me up to the sunshine.

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on.
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God.

(Third Day - Mountain of God)