Parenting - Past and Present, Part 2

Parenting - The Past
(Specifically Speaking)

I want to preface this installment with the hard dry facts of my reasons for writing all this.

First, a list of the reasons that are not mine...

1) I am not attacking my parents. I love them. The past is forgiven. We're on good terms.

2) I am not whining "poor me".  I realize there are children out there who are seriously physically abused everyday. Their parents are druggies, drinkers, and hard core angry at the whole world. I realize that I am very fortunate to have parents that love me.

3) I am not trying to add my name to some sort of virtual list of "survivors". We all have issues from our past. We're all survivors of childhood.

4) I am not claiming to have all the answers. I am not claiming to be a perfect parent.

Here's why I am writing this...

1) I've realized for a couple years now that something's not quite right with my parenting methods. I'm not confident at all. I second guess everything I do, and spend nearly every night feeling guilty for not being consistant or for losing my patience or for not sticking to my guns.

2) I've tried many different things to try to fix this. One of them was desperately trying to get organized. Total flop. Everything I've tried comes falling to the ground in a heap of mess.

3) I've been praying about this for a couple months, desperate to know how to be a confident and happy mom with children who are confident in my love for them and, more importantly, God's love for them. I've realized I can't do this. I've tried to reach this lofty goal. Doesn't work. I need God to show me the answers.

4) In my recent searching for answers, God has brought a lot of memories to my mind. I'm realizing that I need to figure out what I think at the core and why and how this affects my parenting. I think my childhood (teen years and early adulthood, especially) hold the key to the base of this semi-unconscious belief system.

5) I believe in an absolutely sovereign God. My childhood and early adult years were what they were because God orchastrated them... the good, the bad, and the ugly. He used every minute of those years to shape me and mold me. But I am not a finished work, and I need Him to sand down the rough edges left from those years.

6) I am documenting my journey because I know a lot of friends who have similiar backgrounds and are on the same quest. If any of this helps even one of them, than it was worth writing.

7) The words of Sanctus Real's "The Redeemer" says it well:

 Sometimes I just want to start over, 'cause everything looks like a wreck
 And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead
 And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win
 Dreams that have slipped through my hands
 I may never get back again

But I'm still a dreamer, a believer
 Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
 'Cause You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
 Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
 But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
 'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here

And I'm still a dreamer, a believer
 Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
 'Cause You are the answer, the redeemer
 Oh, I've given up on too many things, but I'm not giving up on You
 'Cause You can make anything new

I don't have every answer in life
 But I'm trusting You one day at a time
 'Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive forever
 this is where Heaven and Earth collide
 I lift my hands and give my life
 This is how my weary heart stays alive
And I'm still a dreamer, a believer
 Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
 'Cause You are the answer, the redeemer
 Oh, I've given up on too many things, but I'm not giving up on You
 'Cause You can make anything new

__________________________________

I'm not really sure how to describe my family, during my "at home with the parents" time. It's kinda a weird mix of things. I remember well when my parents were not Christians, when they were divorced, and when it was just my older brother and I. I also experienced a time when they were Christians, and we lived a very normal Christian family life (complete with hidden family drama). My four younger siblings, on the other hand, probably remember nothing but the last stage, the IBLP days. (Well, last stage for me anyway. After I was married, they went through my parents' second divorce.) 

My dad rolled around on the floor with us, teased us, hugged us from time to time, laughed with us, and ripromanded us when he finally had enough of our nonsense. There are very few times that I remember my dad seriously disciplining me or any of the other kids. The times that I do remember, I knew it was because Mom asked him to.

Based on the stories he's told of his childhood, I think he and his siblings pretty much were allowed to run free and wild, with minimal parental direction. They had chores, rules, etc. but their free time was their own to use however they pleased. Perhaps this was why he was there for us to talk to, play with, and work with, but gave little direction as far as rules and discipline.

My mom was pretty much opposite. So long as I did not make her mad, I knew we were friends and I was confident in her love. But I lived in constant fear of her anger and felt the weight of the shackles of her constant control. I don't remember very many times when she disciplined calmly. From a very, very tiny age, I saw it as my job to make sure she did not get mad. If that meant I lied and took my brother's punishment, I did. If that meant I never "tattled" on my younger siblings when I babysat them, I didn't. If that meant I pretended to believe in conservative standards, I did. I also saw it as my job to protect my younger siblings from her anger. I always felt sick to my stomach and guilty when one of my siblings were "in trouble".

Just like my dad, her way of parenting reflected the way her father dealt with her. Anger was discipline, and until just recently, she thought this was the loving way to parent... to have an iron fist... to strive to be in control of the will of the child. She has realized the error in this thinking and has asked forgiveness.

My mom, I believe, had the very best intentions of raising us the very best that she could. In the last half of my years at home, she had great dreams for us to be godly pure leaders of America (or we girls be the mothers of future leaders). It's what she wanted because she thought that's what God wanted. And she tried her best to accomplish those goals in us by strict standards, high expectations, and constant survailence.

That established, the journey of the family into the center of the conservative earth began when Mom decided she wanted to homeschool. I guess my brother had a bad 5th grade teacher. She did not want to repeat the same thing over again with me going into 5th grade the next year. She had heard of homeschooling and decided she'd like to give it a swing with my older brother (entering 6th), me (entering 5th), and my younger brother(entering kdg). She did a tremendous job of it that year too - which I consider simply amazing considering she gave birth to her sixth child that September.

It was not the act of homeschooling that took us into the conservative group. It was who we met in the homeschool group...... (to be continued)

Conclusions:

1) Just as is the case with everything else in life, balance is key.
  a) I cannot be just fun friends with my children. They also need to see me as the authority God ordained me to be in their young years.

 b) A parenting method of controlling behavior given to bouts of anger is not a method of the love God has called me to.

2) I love my memories of the first year my mom homeschooled us. She knew it was what she wanted, so she did it good. She did not pull out any stops. She sacrificed her time, her energy, her sleep, and I'm sure a good bit of money to give us a good education. I've thought about this a lot this summer. I need to stop thinking I'm doing this homeschooling thing as a half hearted experiment. If it's what I want to do, than I need to do it and give it all I got. Then, if it does flop, at least I know I gave it my best shot.

(And in case you're wondering... that's pretty much the main reason I am homeschooling... because I want to. I enjoyed being homeschooled, enjoyed teaching my younger siblings, love  teaching children, and adore coming up with fun ways to learn.)

Parenting - Past and Present, Part 1

Parenting - The Past
(Generally Speaking)

I'm pretty sure that most of us can look back on our childhood and our parents' involvement in our lives and find things that were not perfect. Parents are fallible human beings. We sin. They sinned. Parents fail. Parents make choices that children sometimes do not like. It's inevitable. I get that. I understand that. However, I'm blogging today about parents who believe(d) that they are(were) the absolute authority in their childrens' lives and never felt it necessary to own up to sin or to try to heal wounds they caused in their children. Perhaps they do not(did not) realize how much of their child's soul they were killing.

There are certain groups of Christian families that were/are under the influence of ministries such as, IBLP (Institute in Basic Life Principles), ATI (Advanced Training Institute), Vision Forum, the Pearls, the Ezzos, and other "conservative" ministries. The main tie in all the teachings of these ministries being that the parents (fathers, especially) are authority supreme to their children. They are the go-between, between the child and God. Children, even unmarried adult children, were expected to have their parents make their decisions for them.

Mr. Gothard (IBLP/ATI) taught that parents were God's messengers. Unquestioned obedience was mandated, regardless of age. In his Advanced Seminar, he gave the example of a couple who wanted to marry. One set of parents did not think it was a good match. Therefore, if the couple did marry, they were disobeying. This would place them out from under the "umbrella of protection" and satan would rain "fiery darts" upon their lives. More than likely, their marriage would end in divorce, and the parents would say, "I told you so." He insisted that God speaks to parents, and adult children should listen and obey or a life of failure would certainly ensue.

(Now, I certainly think it's smart to consult wise parents in major decisions. Adult children then take what their parents think and weigh it with their own thinking skills and go from there.)

These ministries also teach that girls have pretty much no other use than to produce babies, cook, sew, and homeschool their own children. Their was no reason for college for either genders. "Good character" was enough to gain success in the world.

Several of these ministries also encourage strict disciplinary measures. Parents are to conquer the will of their child and keep it conquered forever. Many, many parents take this to the extreme... to the point of child abuse.

Parents enforce a strict code of "standards" (outward evidences of supposed spiritual maturity) on their children, and teach them that this is the Biblical standard - the way to please God and do His will. For many children, questioning the "code of conduct" was a way of getting yelled at, slapped, "spanked", sent off to Mr. G's training centers to have their "mind renewed", or even excommunicated from the family.

My family (the one I grew up in) fell in here somewhere. And while I am NOT on a hate fest for conservative ministries... I will say that the "parental interaction" I received during this stage of my "childhood" (13-26 yrs.) has had some long reaching effects on my thinking, leaving me extremely confused on my responsibilities as a parent. This series is my effort to part through the jungle with the machete of thinking out loud.