Stress level: HIGH! very high
Confidence level: LOW! very low
What in the world made God think I could handle this parenting thing?
I mean, seriously... how can I, a short 4' 11" lady with terrible consistency problems, possibly parent four kids without ruining their entire lives?
I feel incredibly intimidated and defeated by my barely two year old. How is this? I am 2' taller than he is... have much more experience under my belt than he does... and I'm pretty sure I can scream louder than he can, although I have not tried... which is probably a good thing.
My five year old is like a walking mirror, constantly flashing before me MY own pride. I'm always questioning why I am asking her to obey. Is it because I have the responsibility to train her and protect her, or is it because I am, after all, "mom" and, by golly, she better obey me or else?
I bring myself nearly to tears when I think of my sweet just turned four year old. His heart is so tender. How many times I have wounded that beautiful heart of his! Will I turn him into a hurt and angry teenager?
My baby... my darling, more than likely last, baby... why is it that she stumps me? Why is it that I question my every mothering act with her? Why can I not just trust what I have learned with the other three? Why is it that I could be so confident in my care for my babies all the other three times and now second guess every little thing with my last?
Why is it that the littlest of people have a way of ripping open my heart and revealing the ugliness inside?
Could it be that God did not intend so much for me to parent them as much as He intended to parent me through them?