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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Finding My Destiny (of sorts)

As you can tell, I've managed to completely abandon this blog. It seems I'm good at that. Every blog I've ever started has met the same demise. I gather a group of readers and then leave them.

Last fall, I started a busy bag business. It went off with a tremendous bang. I soon found I was in way over my head. It took two months to fill all the orders I received in the first week.

I came in to the business already feeling 6 years behind in home management. I also was in the middle of the first semester of my second year homeschooling. I also had/have several health issues that need my self discipline and consistancy to turn around.

Needless to say, I soon found I had backed myself into a corner. It didn't matter how hard I worked, I couldn't seem to bring myself out of the corner.

I was so confused. Who am I? What am I supposed to do? Why am I responsible for seemingly everything? Where do I fit in? What is my life (during this stage) supposed to look like? With so many changes being thrown at our family (business, husband finishing school, coming out of the baby stage, homeschooling, becoming more health conscious, etc), I was left wondering what my life was supposed to look like and how to make it work in the day to day.

So I went the drastic route. I took an unannouced sabatical from every thing in life that did not pertain to my family. I marked the busy bags as out of stock. I did not create any printables. I did not blog. I only went to Facebook if I wanted to in my relaxing time. I only browsed Pinterest if I was looking for something to use for our family.

And I searched. Who am I? and who am I supposed to be? What do I do? and what should I do?

Honestly, it's been a very tough journey... in a mental, soul searching sort of way. It's tough to be stuck in a cloud of confusion. But I know that "God is not a God of confusion, but of peace" (I Cor. 14:33), and I trusted Him to bring me to a place of peace.

I have learned a lot in the journey so far.

My Favorite Discovery:
I actually love my life. I love the stage our family is in. I love the ages of my kidlets. I love that I get to be their mom. I love that Aaron is done with school, and that even as he works on the 1,001 projects he's 4 years behind on, he has so much more time for his family. I love that I am so inquisitive and curious. I love researching everything that I fancy. I love learning. I love learning with my family. I love teaching. I love our church. I love the people in our church. I love where God has us right now. I.love.my.life. Like, I could seriously shout it from the rooftop right now.

The Most Important Discovery:
I am not the Proverbs 31 Woman. I am not my mother. I am not a super blogger. I am not an entreprenuer (nor do I know how to spell it). I am not my friend, whom I admire very much (and who happens to be both a super blogger and an entrprenuer - and homeschools and manages her time and home at the same time). I am not the skinny, sassy, chic mom that I thought I wanted to be. I am not a natural home manager. AND THAT'S OK!!!

I am ME, and there is no one more MEer than me. I am God's adopted daughter, saved by the sacrifice of His holy Son. I am not perfect, but I am being perfected. Each day of my life is directed by an all-sovereign God who loves me more than my human heart can imagine. I am equipped with the talents, interests, and skills needed to perform God's plan for my life right now.

How This Translates to Life:
Who and what I love most (in a holy, non-idolitrous way) is and should be most impotant to me, because God ordained that love to bring Him glory and to accomplish His work. These people and these things should always be top on my bucket list and daily schedules. These are the people and things I must pour my living soul into at all costs.

1) My God: Loving Him, glorifying Him, praising Him, seeking Him, and just plain sitting at His feet should be a part of my life, day in and day out.

2) Who God created me to be: I need to love who I am... my personality, my interests, my talents, ad my skills. I should take pleasure in strengthening them and not feel guilty "indulging" in pleasures that help define me. I also need to value the body He has given me and care for it as His temple.

3) My husband: My husband is always worthy of my service, adoration, and respect. But even when my selfishness screams otherwise, respect is not an option. It's a command. (I Peter 3)

4) My children: Like or not (I happen to like it most days), I'm a mom and will be for the rest of my life. These next 18 years happen to be extraordinarily crucial in the lives of my children. I've got to pour my heart and time into parenting. They are depending on me to guide them and teach them, and most of all, to love them.

5) Homeschooling: I happen to love it. And if I'm going to homeschool, I need to give it my all, instead of treating it like a frugal shortcut.

6) My church: I am not exactly sure where this will lead me yet, but I do know I need to invest more in the people of my church. Reach out... say hi... ask about their lives... not be a hermit. We've been there three years now and people still ask if we're new there. It's not their fault. It's mine... for hermitizing myself.

7) Kidlet Occupation: I don't think I'll be dumping it into the nearest waste recepticle, but I will definitely scale back. While I don't hate it, I don't exactly love it. And right now, it's financially optional. It also happens to get in the way of caring for the home my family lives in and, more importantly, my children's education.


I'm not sure that I've reached the end of the journey to "my destiny", but the fog is certianly clearing, and I'm liking the view.

10 comments:

  1. Wow! It is so nice to see that I am not alone. I have gone through the same roller coaster that you have been going through, or similar to yours at least. I had really been struggling to find my inner talents and was getting pretty depressed about it. However, I stumbled across a great book titled, "The User's Guide to Being Human: The Art and Science of Self," written by Scott Edmund Miller. He has a wonderful user's guide that comprehensively helps explore the art of actualization—how to make things happen for one’s self, family,business, community, and so on. I would have to say that the tips I have learned from him writings, as well as my faith in God, are really helping me figure ME out.
    http://usersguidetobeinghuman.com/

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    1. Thanks. I'll have to take a look at that.

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  2. I appreciate your candor. I have dealt with very similar things - I think it is a common among moms and those who homeschool. I am learning how to take care of myself - which I tend to make the least of my priorities. I wish I could do it all, but I cannot. But thankfully we don't have too. I love you list of priorities and am constantly trying to follow similar priorities. I have a blog I have neglected and I tend to think of homeschool as a secondary responsibility that I just "fit in", rather than my primary responsibility. May God continue to speak to your heart and encourage you.

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    1. I so identify your statement about homeschooling.

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  3. I have been coming to a similar realization lately...that I can't do it all. That God and my husband and kids need to take first place. That of the things that are left, I need to prioritize based on how God has gifted me and how much I ENJOY them. If you don't particularly enjoy Kidlet Occupation and don't need the money, why do it? You're just trading your precious, God-given time for something that you don't love (I know sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do, but keeping Kidlet Occupation running is definitely not a Biblical command :) ).

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  4. I so know the feeling.I see the super moms who seem to have it all under control but have come to realize I will never be one of them.I just have to do it my way,the only way I know,and sometimes Im a little confused about what that is!

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    1. It would sure be nice if we women did not feel the need to compare ourselves, wouldn't it?

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  5. I'm so happy for all of these things! :-) Love you, friend.

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    1. Thank you, Johanna. That means the world to me.

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