Fashion, Guilt, and Self Worth

Fact 1: I feel guilty spending money on myself. Really, I do. I have no problem dropping money (as frugally as possible) so that my husband and children can look well dressed. But I have a terrible time buying clothing for myself. In fact, such a terrible time, that I skimp and buy them at Walmart. Thing is… Walmart clothes just don’t live up to the life of a mom of four. I bought some t shirts there this summer and within a month, they were stretched out and worn. I had to label them as “to only be worn at home with the blinds closed” shirts. I’ve read great things about mothers finding great styles at thrift stores for basically pennies, but when you’re not the average size 8, well you just can’t walk into a thrift store and expect to find fantastic pants.

So, not willing to spend more money on junk, I pretty much spent none at all... leaving me in worn out, misfitting clothing. My sandals are worn to shreds and my brown clogs are cracked on the bottom, letting in all the wetness of a rainy or snowy day. But why? Why do I dress my family well, but neglect myself? Maybe because buying new clothes and shoes for myself is fun. I like having new things. So if it’s fun than it must be far too indulgent. I don’t know. Or maybe because good women’s clothing is far more expensive than children’s (purchased frugally off clearance racks, etc.). I really don’t know why I feel so guilty about it, but it feels like a sin to buy clothes I feel good in.

Fact 2: I’m fat. No really, I am. I’m not talking down to myself, just being honest. I’ve got at least a good 50 pounds to lose, and a lot of it is right there in the gut and backside. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find clothes that look good on you when your “waist- up” is 3 sizes smaller than your gut/hips/rear? I want to look good and feel good in my clothes. This means hours of trying on over 20 outfits before something finally works. It’s exhausting and defeating. Makes me feel like the Goodyear blimp.

Fact 3: Neglecting my appearance ALWAYS hurts myself and my family. It makes me feel like a tired, grumpy mom who doesn’t give a care in the world about anyone or anything. And this grumpy, frumpy feeling spurs me on to laziness and comfort food. This, of course, does not assist me in my weight loss goals.

Neglecting my appearance causes me to compare myself with other women around me and despise those that have better clothes and a “better body”. It does not represent my husband well. It does not help me be a happy mommy. And it does not motivate me to be diligent in the work God has given me.

Conclusion: I cannot neglect my appearance. It is detrimental to my health and the health of my family. I just wish it were free.

(All of this is an effort to quiet the guilty voices in my head for spending all my birthday money on myself today.)